I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
