Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
