I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
