OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
