mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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