i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
