her vagina looked like bernie madoff
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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