i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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