I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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