one might say we're banned from that church
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
