i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We are all done wearing pants today
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
