Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
