Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
