i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
