I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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