I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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