My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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