Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
