worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
