oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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