I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
