Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
