I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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