Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
