i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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