she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
