i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
