My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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