If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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