well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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