got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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