She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
