I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
