My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
