My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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