she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I look better un-naked...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
