You're a womanizer and a bitch.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Farmville is her only friend.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
