I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
