I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
