we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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