It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
