Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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