he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
