I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
