So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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