Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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