Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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