I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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