Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
