omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
