Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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