my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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