We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
