Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
