I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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