Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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