I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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