I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
