I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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