I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
