Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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